how to get a commitment-phobe to commit.
These days, unfortunately, many relationships simply fall apart because Fear of commitment exists between both men and women. however, in this society, we seem to see it more with men, or maybe we excuse it more with men. No matter if you’re a man or woman, the person who suffers the most is a person in love with someone with a commitment phobia.
When you’re into a person who has a deep fear of relationships or a commitment phobia, the first thing you’re going to notice is that the relationship seems to have a lot of stops. It will be going perfectly – you feel closer and in love with the person and then, all of a sudden, it stops. And there seems to be a stop to this ‘stop and go’ pattern.
It is very important for the commitment-phobic person because they need to feel like they have a little bit of control. So each stop is a way for them to feel a little bit more in control of themselves. Still, they’re terrified of being lost in the relationship.
A childhood trauma.
It happens early in childhood. It can be a deep trauma, it can be something the child witnessed – things like a parent parental separation or divorce or going through another sibling’s death or losing someone of significance. If they lost a parent through
- or illness,
- witnessing any type of abuse in the family,
- or extended family
If they had a parent who was afraid of commitment or afraid of being deeply intimate with someone, that parent will role model those behaviors to the child.
Commitment phobia is fueled by our perception.
The further things are progressing, the more dependent the person realizes they are upon the relationship, and this is what really causes the anxiety. The fearful person becomes feeling like they’re not in control or they start doubting, “Maybe I have the wrong person.” If they adopt a pet, the wrong pet. And because of these constant thoughts, they get deeper and deeper into their anxiety and become more and more fearful.
If you’re in love with a commitment-phobic person, then it’s important that you can identify the fear with the next three styles I’m going to give you. As you go through the list if you can identify it, then you can begin working on it and hopefully create a different feeling and thoughts for yourself.
What’s causing fear of the commitment in itself?
Basically, you have to make any intimate contact or it doesn’t happen. All the decisions are going to be on your part. The fearful person does not want to make a decision because it forces them to think more deeply about the relationship.
Does the fear of commitment relate more towards them not wanting to commit as in your partner?
If you’re going through this what you’re going to feel like is you are not valued. You’re not really a priority – you’re second best, you’re a fallback person. This leaves you feeling totally unloved or really uncared for.
Is their commitment anxiety about hoping for love?
You’ll know this one because if this is your partner, your partner has no problem committing to other areas. They are clear about loving you. In fact, they will tell you and commit to you that they love you.
They’re just fearful that something is going to happen to destroy that relationship – that love they feel for you. They are loving, they’re attentive, they’re kind, they’re gentle, but they are fearful.
They’re fearful of losing what they value most. Being the partner of a commitment-phobic person is really hard because there’s a lot of push and pull. There’s a lot of waiting, and many times these relationships don’t work out because the partner gives up.
If you struggle with a commitment phobia, it’s important to remember your partner cannot take this away from you. You may be with someone you really care about and someone really good for you, but if you’re telling yourself your commitment phobia will go away if you’re with the right person – you’re telling yourself a false truth. It’s not really understanding. Why you are the way you are in the first step, but even that is not enough.
Taking the action to fix the problem and heal the hurt is the most difficult step, but it’s the most important step in being able to work through commitment phobia.